Colonel Mustard's Phabulous Phat Burgers

Okay, I'll admit it, the Folio's awarding of "Best Burgers in Jacksonville, 2006" to Colonel Mustard's Phabulous Phat Burgers was not the sole reason I quickly jotted it down on my list, at the top, upon stumbling across a reference online. So it was the name, the incredibly ridiculous name that drew me to the place but it's also what led me to believe that there indeed would be a glorious burger waiting for me within the grease caked walls I so vividly imagined. "This can only be the work of a man," I thought to myself, "a man with so little sense that he surely must make up for his lack of mental capacity with the ability to craft the most awesome of man-foods: the burger."

Oh how reality can often exceed your wildest expectations.

The exterior of Colonel Mustard's, with the same neon yellow lettering found at used car dealerships covering the windows, is but a preface to the hideousness contained inside. Outlandishly tacky colors schemes, a revolting "sculpture" of a large burger embedded in the wall, grease, filth, and a chalkboard outlining the many misogynistic rules of the establishment, most reminding the customer to "quit yer whining" in various forms. I was so excited.

In Australia, if you order a burger with "the works" you'll get the typical burger fixin's: lettuce, tomato, onion, and cheese. However, you'll also find yourself the proud new owner of some beet root slices, a fried egg, and some sweet barbecue sauce unlike any you can find in the States. Absent the beet root and sauce, Colonel Mustard's egg burger is the closest thing you'll get to an Australian burger in the US outside of a small smattering of Aussie owned restaurants. With over a half pound of beef, any burger from this joint is a monument to the greasy excesses of mankind, and with most of these mammoths costing less than $5, it's got an edge on the more mundane offerings from the surrounding fast food franchises.

The burger itself was pretty good. I won't go so far as to say it was the best I've ever had nor even the best I've had in Jacksonville (sorry Colonel, my pick is Five Guys) but it's still a great example of what a burger should be: big, meaty, and greasy. Just remember to eat them in moderation. Overall my expectations about the restaurant were exceeded but I was sadly disappointed that the Colonel himself didn't verbally assault me as he is notorious for doing. Maybe next time.

Col. Mustard's Phabulous Phat Burgers
9802 Baymeadows Rd,
Jacksonville, FL 32256
904-996-8887